Archive for March, 2017

The fight to erase the past

Posted: March 25, 2017 in Life

As a disclaimer, this post is an outpour of thoughts with no clear intent. It might appeal to some or maybe none, but I do hope that it gives me a little sense of relief of not letting it cook in the confines of my head.

When you’re a personality that absorbs and grows notably with new experiences, an interesting aspect can be meeting people from the different phases of your life. They all have expectations of who ‘you’ are; while all them are right, none of them are.

My recent years have been the most exploratory ones of my short life so far. My comfort zones, social circles, sexual life, philosophies… they have all grown and morphed and yet, with an undertone of sadness, they still feel like an attempt to overcompensate for a lost time.

Around 4 years ago, my colleague, Mark, asked me what I was running from. His question, although in the context of literal endurance running, seemed to be more penetrative and deeper than what it sounded.

I wake up almost every day demanding myself to be more extroverted, to act more decisive, to be assertive when needed, to push harder than what I would usually consider comfortable; to basically ‘do more’. These thoughts surface with an underlying fear that if I don’t, I will revert back to my former self. One that was content with mediocrity, one that never knew what it felt to push beyond perceived limits, mentally or physically, and feel the associated sense of accomplishments, one that was bullied and never knew a way out, one that was perpetually unfit, and worst of all, one that had all the time and resources in the world but never utilised them to better himself. An abyss of wasted opportunities that have filled me with regret.

It’s this past that I am running from.

There’s a plethora of memories from my early teens, many of them a subtle reminder of all the things I wished I was but wasn’t. The endeavour to forget them or at least see them as a buried past seems like a lost cause. They still carry with them the weight of the feelings that they first came with. Most of my words, actions, and thoughts, in some way or another, are catered towards slowly distancing myself from those memories. There lies some hope that someday these thoughts will be accompanied by indifference from me; maybe I’ll be able run far enough from my past to not be able to see it well enough anymore.

The present appears to be a swinging pendulum in a way; I strive to change myself and eventually go too far in some aspect. There is a bit of a scurry to backtrack and try again in another direction. I’m in a habit of selectively evaluating myself today in relation to me from, say, 6 months ago. It’s done in hope of being able to spot an obvious change indicating a man today that has grown since then. A man today that I can be a little prouder of being.

There is an obese, introverted, nerdy and a shy teenager in me that wants to feel like he’s not a loser, and then there’s the aggressive, angry and vengeful character that is doing what he can to help the first guy out. My end goal is to get to the stage where the pendulum can stop swinging and there is only one content guy left.

 

Often what helps a turbulent mind is to put yourself out there, vulnerable and open, which is what I’ve attempted to do here. I’m sure there are many out there in my circles who battle their own versions of such conflicts. If you’re reading this and feel tired of driving your head into a mush, know that you can always give me a shout and I would love to hear your thoughts.

Advertisements